Cat Litter Sundae
Last month, a friend of mine was having some struggles with her son. He was not turning in school assignments, acted indifferent about it and she didn’t know what to do. Based on what she told me, I thought this young man might be more depressed than actively choosing rebellion. He is a smart kid who I believe wants good things out of life.
She wanted to bring him over for the three of us to talk. I considered for a moment and told her that if she trusted I have his best interest at heart, she could drop him off to visit alone with me while I made dinner for my family. I wasn’t sure what I would say to him, how I would start the conversation or where it would lead, but I felt a clear nudge from the Holy Spirit to invite him over so I knew God would know what to do.
How did I prepare for his arrival? I prayed.
I took a few moments to pray that the LORD would give me anointed words, acknowledging that I do not have the wisdom in my natural mind to know what to say. When I ran out of words to pray in English, I prayed in tongues and as usual peace flooded my mind and body. I KNEW that when I needed to know what to say, I would.
He got to my house in record time! She must’ve called on her way, hoping I would say yes. He walked in the front door and not knowing what to say, I cheerfully invited him into the kitchen where I was cleaning a big fat mess so I’d have room to cook.
I have found that there are GREAT benefits to talking to young people without looking them in the eyes! They are much more likely to open up and to not feel terribly uncomfortable doing so. If you’ve never considered what this would look like or wonder how to do it practically, I will share some of the places I have discovered to have meaningful conversations with young people that seem to get results:
Driving in the car was a FANTASTIC way to have conversations before my girls were old enough to drive themselves everywhere. Now it’s an occasional treat to chat in the car.
Riding bikes casually on the bike path side by side.
Cooking or doing the dishes in the kitchen. “Hey, come sit with me in the kitchen while I cook or clean.” If your relationship is strained, don’t make it into a multitasking, “you’re gonna help me clean.” Let them sit Indian style on the kitchen counter or floor with a fidget toy if it helps them relax, but chatting while tidying things up without making eye contact is a good way to make conversations feel less threatening.
Play a video game, card game or build something like legos or a puzzle with them. Be sure to speak casually in a very gentle, non-judgemental voice. Especially if they open up to you about something you find initially shocking.
Make a fire in the firepit for smores and very casually ask questions while staring intently at the fire.
I’ve just started a fun little experiment which seems to be going well. I tend to forget things about the kids in my life including my own kids. Preferences change and conversations can turn into, “Did you clean your room yet? Where are my shoes? And don’t forget to take the trash out.” I’m asking the kids in my life if they’re willing to play 20 questions over text and I’m recording their answers on my computer. I’ve told them if they don’t have time to answer, leave the text unread and get back to me in a week…no pressure. This is a great way to ask my kids, nieces and nephews, and close family friends questions like favorite movies, foods, drinks or activities. I’ve discovered that kids DO want me to know them, but I usually forget what they tell me as soon as they do, or I’ll mix up who said it. This year, I will do better.
There are times when eye contact is SUPER important to the conversation and you should not always be in the habit of having these conversations without eye contact, but when a child is reluctant to open up, it’s a great way to get the conversation started.
So back to the conversation I had with this young man. I started with, “So what’s up?”
“Uh, my mom is mad because I haven’t been turning in my assignments.”
“Do you understand her frustration?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re one of the smartest young men I know. Do you plan on going to college?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re in high school now. Are you aware that every grade affects your GPA and many scholarships are tied to a good GPA?”
“Yeah.”
“Why do you think you are not turning in your assignments?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“What are you doing instead?”
“Playing video games.”
I asked him if he thinks that sometimes he might be turning on the video games because there are things he doesn’t want to think about or things he doesn’t want to feel? His face started getting red and little tears formed in his eyes. I thought about how many times the LORD has whispered to me, “Tears. Now I know we’re getting somewhere.” There must be a layer of truth in his heart’s answer to that question.
The next blog post I planned to share was to tell you about my silent retreat which I assume will take me weeks to share all that the LORD talked to me about, but as I sat down to write about the retreat, this picture popped into my mind and until this very moment, I didn’t know WHAT on earth this story had to do with my retreat.
God has an incredible way of taking moments throughout our lives and weaving them together like a tapestry creating deeper layers of understanding. When the retreat first started and I sat down to write, I heard in my spirit, “If you want to hear Me clearly and effectively BE My voice on the earth, ask more questions of yourself and others and pause longer to wait for answers.” He then had me go brush my teeth and take a shower to meditate on what He had said to me.
“If you want to hear Me clearly and effectively BE My voice on the earth, ask more questions of yourself and others and pause longer to wait for answers.”
I gave this young man a moment to collect himself and asked if he cries often. He said, “Yeah, but I don’t really think I’m sad, so I don’t know why I cry.” I asked several more questions, pausing thoughtfully for his answers and then I affirmed the MANY things that have been outside of his control in his childhood and explained that it is natural to feel strong emotions about those things.
I told him the danger is that when we don’t acknowledge those emotions and take them to God but distract ourselves with things like video games as a child, we will grow up needing to mask emotions as an adult and we usually do it in ways that are more detrimental than simply playing a video game. I explained that those masked feelings are often what leads people to eat excessively, spend too much money, drink alcohol or take drugs or get lost in inappropriate relationships with people or pornography.
All of the sudden an idea I was SURE did not come from me came and I asked him, “Would you like an ice cream sundae?”
He asked, “Before dinner?”
“Yep! Chocolate or strawberry sauce? M&Ms?” to which he said, “Yes please.”
I said, “Stay right here.” I grabbed a styrofoam container and headed to the cat litter box for a big clump of litter. Without saying a word, on my way back to this young man, I quietly set the container without his noticing on the counter and grabbed the ice cream. As I scooped it he noticed what was in the container and aggressively said, “Ew gross. You’re not going to put that with the….you are. WHY would you waste PERFECTLY good ice cream?”
“Oh don’t be silly. It will be wonderful. Chocolate sauce right? M&Ms. Here you are! Take a big bite,” and I took a spoon to dip him out a big bite. He was grossed out and said I ruined the ice cream. I told him there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with the ice cream, the sauce or the M&Ms. The problem was what was UNDER the ice cream.
What an incredible lesson for us all!
How many times in your life have you taken something that is not bad at all….actually good, like ice cream and used it to mask uncomfortable feelings?
How many times have you procrastinated from tasks you don’t want to do by scrolling through social media or shorts?
How many times have you used solitude to run from reality rather than to sit with the One who turns solitude into solace?
Do you have vices like smoking, taking substances or numbing out to inappropriate images when life seems hard?
There was a big gross hunk of cat litter in that container and traces of cat litter all around the hunk. Was the container that held it unusable? No. If I were to dump that litter in the trash, rinse the container out and wash it with soapy water, it would have been perfectly fit for an ice cream sundae.
Your mind is the container. It will hold WHATEVER you choose to put in it.
We have an enemy who is always dumping undesirable thoughts in there. We CAN and often do just throw the scoop of ice cream on it, covering it up and making it look more desirable but the truth is it’s still there. It is only when we take our mind to God and ask Him to purge our conscience of all those things that trouble us that we are able to put something enjoyable in and partake with joy.
“How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?”
Hebrews 9:14 NKJV