Forgetting What’s Behind
Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:13-14
I have the unique experience of having spoken with hundreds and hundreds of people on an extremely intimate basis over the years. My husband says that complete strangers tell me their deepest darkest secrets within five minutes of meeting them, and it’s true.
I’m thinking about a woman I met while on vacation a few months ago. My husband and I were waiting at a restaurant for our take out dinner to be prepared when I noticed a deep sadness in the eyes of another woman who was also waiting. She smiled at me and I smiled at her, but I sensed she needed encouragement. I can’t remember how the conversation started exactly. It was casual pleasantries but when she said she was good, I looked in her eyes and asked sincerely, “Are you?” Within two minutes I had a deeply hurting, wounded 50-some year old woman quietly sobbing in my arms waiting for my chicken tenders and fries.
It didn’t take 30 seconds for my husband to find a TV with the latest game on and a bar stool sensing that I might be a minute. When we got to the bottom of it, this woman was nursing resentments towards a friend of hers FROM HIGH SCHOOL. Things would happen that would cause her to think of this friend and she’d vacillate between missing the friendship and anger for how her friend had betrayed her so many years ago. I wasn’t there when it all happened and I don’t know everything behind this offense, but it sounded fairly petty now, especially based on the years gone by. She claimed to be a Christian. How many moments of her God-given peace has she willingly surrendered over the years to nurse this resentment?
This woman got me thinking about another friend of mine who has shared-parenting with a very emotionally abusive ex-husband. When I met her, she couldn’t talk about him without her whole body trembling with unchecked anxiety. They were no longer in the marriage and he no longer had the control he used to have once living in her home, but her nervous system hadn’t seemed to catch up to her current reality.
It has been several years since we met, and I can almost pinpoint the day when she decided that she was no longer going to allow his manipulative attempts to emotionally control her to affect her. She decided to just feel sorry for him in his miserable state when he attempted to make her miserable, continue to be kind to the best of her ability and to enjoy both her life and the precious time she had with her children. She has become one of the most pleasant women I know since she made the conscious decision to think on what is good. She acknowledges the difficulties now with laughter and a shrugging of her shoulders, “Can’t do anything about that, but I’m not gonna let it ruin MY day!”
I know someone else who has been in counseling their entire adult life and is BENT on figuring out what happened in their childhood that messed them up because they hope that maybe someday, if they figure it out, they can heal from that childhood trauma and enjoy the rest of their life.
I’m fairly certain figuring it out is not going to lead to any more peace and joy than they have right now. Their life is SO good, but the focus on figuring out trauma that they don’t even remember consumes their thoughts. They are trapped in a past they can’t even remember and the saddest part is that from my perspective, they are choosing to remain trapped rather than walking out of the unlocked cage they have spent their entire adult life in.
What might change in their life if they were to say, “I don’t know what happened in my childhood, but it definitely affected me. God, I choose to lay down my right to know what happened to me and I want to spend the rest of my life pursuing You.”
I know another person who made HORRIFIC decisions early in his life, made many mistakes and hurt a lot of people along the way. Guilt and shame nearly consumed him and had him to the point where he attempted to end it all many times.
This person grabbed hold of the truth that there is NOTHING he can do to change the past, he has done everything he knows to amend the past and so he, with great intention, “Forgets what is behind, reaches forward to what lies ahead and is pressing on towards the goal for the prize that is the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus.” This person is now a pastor and pours his life out daily to pursue men who are as lost and hopeless as he once was for the glory of God. If he were to continue entertaining his past, he WOULD be consumed.
All of this led me to think about another friend who, to tell you the truth, I know almost nothing about prior to the day I met her and even then, she shares very little about her day to day life, her emotions or her thought life. This used to bother me, but I wouldn’t press her for details because she seems very protective of that information.
Over time, my mind has wondered what was SO bad in her past that she is completely unwilling to share it. I’ve shared all of mine. The good, the bad and the downright ugly. She knows it all. When my mind wonders, I quickly bring it back with the reminder that her past is none of my business. Her thoughts are none of my business and in the end, her emotions are none of my business.
Even saying that feels SO WRONG for someone who spent much of her life as an empath, who has spent her life digging into the life stories of others, empathizing with them and trying to help them feel better.
Empath = a person who is highly sensitive to the emotions and energy of others, to the point of feeling those emotions as their own.
Empathize = understand and share the feelings of another.
The interesting thing about what I have always called empathy is that if I stand from a 50,000 foot view, I can see how I am applying MY life experiences, MY feelings and MY perspective to another person’s experience and feeling THEIR situation as my own which is not truly empathy.
We are not capable of TRULY empathizing with another person because we can only TRY to understand from their perspective, but there are SO many DEEPLY rooted memories informing their emotions and energy that to THINK we get it fully is ignorant. Most of the time, we don’t even fully understand why WE feel the way we do about our own situations, so how can we truly understand the feelings of someone else about THEIR situations?
They say to move on from a feeling, you have to fully experience it. Acknowledge it, notice how it affects you physically and practice self-compassion. Journal about it, pray about it, and deal with it. Allow it to move through you rather than burying it deep within you and being stuck with it.
There is only one ultimate truth and that is what God says is true, so when we take these painful thoughts and experiences, we need to run them through the lens of God’s truth if we can ever hope to be free from the grip these life experiences have had on our thought processes.
I make bone broth. I save up chicken bones, the tail ends of celery, carrots and onions and when I have two full gallon sized baggies of “trash” I put it in my InstaPot, throw in some salt, bay leaves and sometimes some italian seasonings, fill to the max line with water and set the pot to 240 minutes on high. As that water heats up, the flavor from that “trash” permeates the water, the marrow from the bones leaks out into the water adding protein and over time, the water becomes rich and delicious.
If I were to take that pot, put it in the fridge and let it sit, you would be disgusted! The SUPER healthy bone broth when cooled looks like a light brownish jelly. Picture light brownish jelly with bones and wilted, squishy onion, carrot, bay leaves and the tail ends of a stalk of celery floating in it.
There is GOOD stuff… bone broth, but it must be extracted!
Before I put the broth in the fridge, I’ve got to strain out all the junk that made it flavored so well. Those things were necessary to create the broth, but are no longer fit for consumption.
Think of your past as the bones, the wilted, squishy onion, carrot, bay leaves and the tail ends of stalks of celery. Your past has definitely influenced who you are today, but you don’t need to constantly look at the pile of “trash” and analyze it. You need to filter out your past with a strainer and keep what is the good stuff….the substance of who you have become.
Notice how God has taken the marrow and the flavors, the life giving substance of the things you have experienced and created something that can be used to nourish others. Revelations 12:11 says that we overcome him, the enemy, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I think it’s important to recall our past and even to share it, but when we do, it should only be shared by the Grace of God and FOR the Glory of God.
Imagine if Paul never took the time to share about HIS past. I think it’s important that we know that he once had people imprisoned and at least approved of their death because they believed Jesus was who He said He was. He THOUGHT he was helping God. He acknowledges that he was wrong, but also declares that he stands blameless before God. God knew his heart and that as a devout Jew, he thought he was defending God’s honor.
If God can forgive Paul for that and still use him mightily for Kingdom work, He can surely forgive me and use me for His purposes. His testimony, his past, was important to recall.
It’s important that Paul shared about his time in jail, because he revealed that even in the darkest and most desperate times in our lives, WE TOO can reach out, send letters and encourage others.
Paul shared many difficult, emotional and painful parts of his past, but somehow in the retelling of it, he doesn’t make me feel sorry for him. He inspires me to trust God through my difficult times and to press forward with the calling on MY life despite challenges. Paul could have told his story in such a way that we would empathize with him and feel sorry for him, but he didn’t, and neither should we.
If any part of the recall of your past brings painful emotions, that is likely a sign that there is still healing you need God to perform in that part of your story. When you can retell the painful events of your past without the end result being others pitying you, your past can become profitable for Kingdom purposes.
Invite God to help you “forget what is behind” in a way that not only heals your heart, but where your story can then be employed for His Glory.