Breadcrumbs
Baby Girl,
Let’s talk about yesterday.
I don’t really want to.
Why not?
Because standing on this side of yesterday, my internal reaction to what happened seems ridiculous. I knew that it was ridiculous even at the moment, but I couldn’t help, but mentally process all of it, which just led to giving the enemy an opportunity to speak. And I really started entertaining his suggestion before…
Before what?
Before I talked to You about it.
Let’s talk about it. Tell Me your entire side of the story.
You told me to publish Walk Around Your City by the first of the year so we did.
I asked You how many author copies You wanted me to buy and what You wanted me to do with them. You told me to order 144 copies but not yet. That was an odd number to me so, two weeks later, I asked again and You told me 144 again.
You told me that You wanted me to give a copy of the book to every pastor in Beavercreek and Xenia and one to each of the Christian school principals in the Miami Valley.
A ministry partner of mine took on the task of collecting the names and when she found everything she believed fit in that category, she reported that there were 38 pastors in Beavercreek, 47 pastors in Xenia, and 59 principals in the Miami Valley for a total of 144. She wasn’t looking for 144 names. She only knew of the three categories. When she told me she found 144 names, every hair on my body stood up and I KNEW that I had heard from You and that You had put these names on these books.
With the price that You set for the book at $7, we make a four cent royalty on each book. During our weekly meeting, my other ministry partner and I discovered that 36 books had sold and our royalties for the first month the book was out came to $1.44.
144.
I sincerely do not think I would have been more pleased with a $20,000 royalty check then I was that $1.44. To me that was one more confirmation that You had specifically chosen the names that were gathered and intended for them to get this book.
So what happened yesterday?
My ministry partner was going to start putting the names of the pastors and principals on the letter we wrote. When she looked at the list, there were only 141 names. It appeared that our friend had mistakenly counted the header row in the count of 144.
What was your first thought?
Oh no. No, that is impossible. There is no way my friend mis-counted. She is the most thorough and detailed person I know and there’s no way that she missed a detail like that.
I looked at her lists and it certainly looked like that was what happened.
My husband had asked me last week, “What if there were only 143 names? You would’ve found a way to spiritually explain it away,” and all of the sudden I had the sinking feeling that we were gonna need to rewrite the letter to the pastors, and I was gonna have to figure out a new explanation in my mind and emotions that explained why You wanted 144 books.
All of the confidence that I had previously had in what You had called us to do was pretty much out the window. I figured I had misread the signs. I was back to feeling like it was just gonna look like some self-promoting author, walking around handing out a book that she was proud of.
Are you proud of this book?
There are tears. Why are you crying?
There’s no reason for me to be proud of this book. I understand that You wrote it through me, but these are Your words. I am profoundly touched and inspired by this book and I believe that You’re gonna do great things through it, but I have no reason for pride in it.
Why did you publish it?
Because I believe You asked me to.
Finish telling Me about yesterday.
I was sitting at the table having lunch with my client when I got the text from my ministry partner and I became so distracted. I couldn’t think about anything else. I had just got done telling her about the $1.44 royalty. I felt sick to my stomach. I racked my brain for what could’ve gone wrong.
I finally texted my ministry partner, “We were not wrong about the 144.” She said she agreed. I held my hands up and prayed in the spirit and I felt You nudged me to reach out to the one who made the lists.
What happened?
She looked back at her original notes and found the three that were missing when she transferred it over to the spreadsheet.
How long did you surrender your peace?
Longer than I should’ve.
How long?
I want to say for 20 minutes because once I reached out to the one who made the lists, I did feel like there was gonna be a reasonable answer but, if I tell You that, then You’re probably gonna ask me why I was standing at the sink with my chest in my stomach mulling over those same thoughts doing the dishes… I want to say that I trusted You as soon as You said to reach out to her… but the truth is that I still worried.
When I asked you to price the book at $7, that didn’t make sense to your natural mind. I said I would be providing for this ministry through book sales. At four cents a book, that would take a lot to provide, wouldn’t it?
You didn’t say it was going to be through this book.
Very good.
These are very small steps of faith.
Pricing the book at $7 when it doesn’t make sense in the natural - small step of faith.
Trusting when you heard 144 books - small act of faith.
I’ve been leaving breadcrumbs, like telling you exactly how many books to order, having your friend find the exact number of people for each book, and the $1.44 royalties…These were all little breadcrumbs letting you know you’re heading in the right direction.
Where would your faith be without those breadcrumbs?
There’s another question I don’t wanna answer…
Faith, Little One, does not rely on the evidence of breadcrumbs. The breadcrumbs are training. These small steps of faith are training.
Are you willing to obey even in the absence of breadcrumbs?
How will I know it’s You and not my own thoughts?
I’ve had a lot of thoughts over the years that I credited to You but, looking back, I wonder if they were born of the mental and emotional distress I was constantly under.
Are you healed?
Yes.
Day by day, you are learning to discern My voice.
Day by day, your inner man is becoming stronger and more fortified.
Day by day, your faith is growing.
This is why journaling is imperative. When there are not breadcrumbs, when I’m not giving you sign after sign after sign that you are on the right path, you are going to have to know deep in your spirit what My voice sounds like and carry the conviction of one who has seen the breadcrumbs when I speak.
Don’t forget what happened yesterday. Where we are headed, the enemy will have all sorts of suggestions that disagree with what we have talked about. Keep your eyes on Me.
What was the thought you just had?
I was thinking about the dream I had of the room with the white walls and eyeballs in the ceiling. You said that when we become aware of ourselves, we are no longer standing in your presence. Yesterday, when I thought that maybe I was wrong about the 144, I was extremely aware of myself. I felt foolish. I felt like everyone who I had told so confidently about the 144 would see me as the same.
And as I say that I think of when the spies said, “We were as grasshoppers in their eyes” and they saw themselves as the same.
Standing in Your presence is where I want to be. Thank You for allowing me to stand in Your presence. I love You.
LOVE you too, Little One.
Daddy
Isaiah 30:21