Treehouse
Baby Girl,
Tell Me about your treehouse.
What do you mean?
Tell Me about your treehouse.
These questions never take me where I think we're going.
That's because you don't always think like Me, but you're getting closer. Tell Me about your treehouse.
Third time is a charm I guess...
Well, I used to remember exactly what led to the treehouse...
Ohhh yeah. I remember.
When my oldest daughter was in 3rd grade, she was in a little running club called Girls on the Run. She was a stubborn little one and I never really knew how to connect with her, but I tried. My husband and I signed up for a 5K we thought she would enjoy. Including fees we paid almost $130. That was a lot for us at the time.
It was a Pumpkin Run about an hour away. I don't remember much about what I thought would be fun, but you could dress up in a costume if you wanted and there would be breakfast and apple cider at the end.
It was a MISERABLY cold day in October. The wind was whipping around, and it was below freezing. My daughter refused every bit of advice I had that morning and my husband was annoyed with me for trying to convince her that she should eat something that would give her energy, wear something to hold her hair back, wear stretch gloves instead of giant mittens because her hands would get hot, and to not take off in a sprint but to set a pace she could maintain.
She took off at 100 MPH and got a side stitch, her hair made her mad flying in her face, she was hungry, she didn't want to carry her giant mittens and I was miserable and resentful at both of them. My husband for not helping me insist on helping her and her for... complaining. I told her she could make decisions but she was not allowed to complain about the results of those decisions.
Somehow, my husband always "knew" how I parented was "wrong" but he never had better ideas of how we could do it, just resentments for how I tried.
It's interesting that yesterday you met with your aunt, the week you released the "hidden resentments" letter and THIS is how you described your treehouse to Me.
Tears. Here we go, we're getting somewhere. This is the last time you'll ever tell this story this way, so let's hear it. Give Me the rest of your "soulish" description of that fateful day so long ago.
- LONG PAUSE -
You don't want to do it, but I already know it. You don't want to say it, but you're going to. I'll wait.
That night I was so mad, I was sad. I rarely let my emotions come out to the extent I felt them because they just felt wrong. Those emotions ended up getting labeled bipolar, and they were extreme inside of me but now I know the enemy was just influencing my thoughts.
I'd say by the end of the day, the loudest thoughts were, "I have no idea what I'm doing parenting. I'm failing. I'm always failing. OBVIOUSLY, my husband thinks I'm failing. He's never happy with me. He's never been happy with me. If he is so unhappy with me, why doesn't he just divorce me? Maybe that's what he wants, but he's just not willing to say it. Maybe that is why he always tells me what he thinks I'm doing wrong. Maybe he really believes I don't do anything right? I don't believe in divorce, but God, if I were to die, maybe he could go on without me, find someone who is better suited for him and have a happy life.
My girls would be okay. I don't think they think I get much right either. I wish I knew how to be a parent. Why do I keep getting everything wrong and why can my family not just choose to be happy? Our life isn't so bad."
Honestly, there were probably much darker thoughts than that but I was such a "good Christian girl" I would never have allowed my conscious mind to hold onto the darker stuff.
Oh, it's coming back to me. I thought much darker thoughts!
Baby, those thoughts, those reminders of things you thought... those are under the Blood, which is why it took you so much effort to pull them back into your conscious mind. Cast them down and let's move forward with this memory. No need to repent. You're not thinking about those things now; you're just recalling them.
Recall is a powerful tool employed by both Myself and the enemy.
Recall = bring (a fact, event, or situation) back into one's mind; remember; the action or faculty of remembering something learned or experienced
When I bring a fact, an event or a situation back into your mind, it is to facilitate reminding you of something you have learned or experienced. When the enemy does the same, it is expressly for the purpose of condemnation.
Condemnation = the expression of very strong disapproval; censure; to sentence (someone) to a particular punishment, especially death
When you recall something from your past, if I am the one bringing it to mind and it is something you have not made right with Me and with others, that is your call to make it right. Repent. Make a decision to turn from that behavior and turn to Me for how to proceed. Once you have made things right with Me, seek to make things right with whomever that behavior negatively impacted.
Once you have made that situation right, it is no longer a situation you have the right to recall with guilt or conviction. It's a clean slate, even where earthly consequences still remain. In My book, it is now simply a reminder of a lesson learned.
If the situation has been resolved between you and I and you have done what I have asked to attempt to make things right with people and the recollection of the event brings guilt or shame, that is your signal that the enemy is messing with you. Tell that lying spirit of condemnation and shame to go back to hell where it came from and get your eyes back on Me.
So back to your treehouse that you haven't said one single word about… finish telling Me what happened that evening while you were carrying around all those toxic thoughts about yourself and your family.
I pulled my husband aside and said, "Everything I do is to make you and our kids happy and you're never happy." He said, "Maybe that's your problem. Maybe you should stop trying to make us happy. Maybe we don't want to be happy," and then he left the room and pulled the door closed behind him.
I went to bed with my mind TEEMING with thoughts, the loudest being, "Maybe you should stop trying to make us happy. Maybe we don't want to be happy."
I played that loop for days and then my anger turned to a resolve to do something that would make ME happy. That led to a three-year OBSESSION where all the books I read were about treehouses. The crafts I did with the kids revolved around treehouses. I bought, cleaned up and resold over $10,000 worth of stuff before taking a job catering BBQ for the last $7,000. I became single-minded. Obsessed.
Where was I during that season?
I was completely unaware of You.
I was honestly pretty completely unaware of my husband, my kids, my friends and family. I did things for them. I lived my life and I always served everyone around me in super people pleasing ways, but my heart was far from them... and You. The treehouse was about the only thing I would let myself really think about because the idea of it was about the only thing that truly made me feel happy.
What do you think about that statement right now?
It breaks my heart and, honestly, all that I can hear is Your words, "I don't care about your happiness because happiness often comes at the expense of joy." I get that.
Did the treehouse make you happy? After all that work, all that saving and planning and talking about it, obsessing about it, defending it and trying to convince yourself it was the best thing ever, did it make you feel better? Did it make you happy?
No. I would go in there trying to quiet my mind so I could read but I could never quiet my mind. I was in the most beautiful, quiet, well decorated, insulated, air-conditioned or heated little shed with a sleeping loft and EVERYTHING you could want to relax and I felt restless. In order to be in there, I had to have something to do, so before long I bought a treadmill and I just became a hamster on a wheel in a beautiful cage.
I don't want you to be late to the hospital but I want you to think about this. A while back, we talked about a front porch and a back porch and I dreamed with you. You imagine a life where you would sit on the front porch and be neighborly and sit with groups of people on the back porch for Bible studies.
You don't need a front porch or a back porch anymore than you needed that treehouse, and you will not find either one of those to be more satisfying than your treehouse.
Are you ready to let go of that dream?
Yes.
What your heart desires is that your husband and daughters would want to sit with you and fellowship with Me.
Let's let our hearts meditate on that desire.
Get ready for your shift.
LOVE you, Little One.
Daddy
Psalm 106:15